Fear To Fail Stops The Growth

This is my first real journal post. I’ve been procrastinating because I didn’t know what to write.

There was no prompt, no word limit, and no deadline—just complete freedom. Interestingly, too much freedom can make it harder to start. When there are no external expectations, everything depends on the expectations we set for ourselves, which can feel overwhelming.

The word perfectionism has a strange connotation. It can sound like someone is claiming they only feel satisfied when they are perfect, or that perfection is part of their identity. That’s not exactly what I mean here. What I’m describing feels different. It has more to do with fear than with wanting things to be perfect.

The hardest part of doing anything in life is starting. We want to be good at something, but when we’re new, we usually aren’t. That gap between where we are and where we want to be is uncomfortable.

To avoid that discomfort, we avoid starting. We avoid making mistakes, looking inexperienced, or feeling embarrassed. For me, procrastination often comes from these feelings, along with uncertainty and a lack of clarity about what to do next.

This isn’t just about writing this post. It shows up in many areas of life. For example, I often procrastinate going to the gym—not because I don’t want to exercise, but because I’m unsure what to do once I’m there. When the steps ahead feel unclear, hesitation makes sense. Staying where we are feels easier.

The same pattern appears in addiction. It’s difficult to move away from addictive behaviors not only because of cravings, but because we don’t know how to cope with difficult states without those distractions. When a craving returns, we may not know how to respond or what to do next.

Starting something new feels overwhelming. But feeling sorry for where you are doesn’t feel good either. You end up feeling “sandwiched” between these two states, and all you want to do is avoid them—go back to where you were, where you didn’t fully realize your problems yet. Then come guilt, self-hatred, low self-efficacy, and disappointment. I feel you. It’s not easy. I, for one, feel like I’m constantly fighting these feelings.

Progress in goals, habits, and recovery rarely happens in a straight line. Starting something, getting out of addictions, and sticking to goals all feel like riding a rollercoaster. You start somewhere, climb up, make progress, and just when it feels like you’re reaching the top, you fall—sometimes even lower than where you started. Then you climb again, and the cycle repeats.

When we imagine an ideal state, we often think of it as a final destination. In reality, it’s very unlikely that we stay in that state permanently—even when we truly believe we’ve overcome a problem. It’s a terrible feeling to realize you’ve returned to your old, struggling self, because it feels like starting from scratch all over again.

But here’s an important reminder: you’re not entirely starting from scratch. Even if you return to an earlier point, you return with experience. Since procrastination often comes from uncertainty and lack of clarity, going through something before gives you a new sense of certainty and understanding. You have a better idea of how to approach and overcome the problem more efficiently. I think this shortening of the struggle matters far more than whether we “go back” or not.

We don’t need to blame or hate ourselves for failures during growth. Instead, our focus should be on expanding the time between failures.

I’ve also been thinking about how addiction and meditation share similarities. I’m still new to meditation, so this is based purely on my own experience. Through meditation, I’ve practiced bringing my awareness back when it gets distracted by thoughts and feelings. The benefits go beyond the calmness I feel afterward—it has helped me improve my focus while studying, in class, and during everyday tasks.

Meditation has made me more aware of how often my attention drifts due to internal voices and external stimuli. Over time, I’ve gotten better at noticing when I’m distracted and bringing my focus back more quickly, while gradually expanding periods of sustained attention.

This feels similar to addiction recovery. Recovery doesn’t mean never experiencing cravings again. That expectation feels unrealistic. More often than not, relapse happens—and it’s usually followed by intense guilt and disappointment. Those feelings rarely help; in fact, they often make things worse. Stress can push us deeper into addictive behaviors (speaking from my own experiences with ED).

Recovery, like meditation, isn’t about punishment. It’s about awareness—about noticing when you’ve drifted and guiding yourself back. Over time, the gaps between relapses can slowly expand, just as focus improves with practice.

During the New Year, many of us set goals and resolutions. I think it’s important to have realistic expectations about growth. Growth isn’t about never failing—it’s about expanding the span between failures over time and learning how to respond to setbacks more effectively through experiences.

Being patient and kind with ourselves is part of building long-term, stable progress. And when I say this, I’m not just saying it to those of you reading this (thank you for being here)—I’m saying it to myself too.

Change and growth can feel overwhelming but know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to take time. What matters is not letting setbacks or failures define or limit who we can become.